


Pas toi

by Cristalyn



Category: Newsies (1992), Newsies - All Media Types, Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Ralbert is endgame, others in the background - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-11-05 02:26:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17910215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cristalyn/pseuds/Cristalyn
Summary: Albert have grow since highschool, he had succeed to forget Race, loved himself and his life more, dated Elmer, met awesome people,....He's happy except for the part where he's still in love with Race





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hello  
> with the wise words of Medda : What's new?? 
> 
> Did I astral project mysef on the characters sometimes ?? TOTALLY  
> Do I have regrets? YES but not for this 
> 
> Lol I'm tired 
> 
> I have a tumblr if you want https://www.tumblr.com/blog/humanracoon

“Do you even like something Albert” Romeo asks him joking one day after Albert was finally done criticized the film they just have seen

“Of course” he reply a little offended. It's not because he tends to criticize or complain that he does not like anything. He is just demanding

 

“Like what?” someone asks a little mocking

 

He takes the time to think about this question for a moment. What does he likes ? He likes video game and bad movies. He likes Tuesdays when Race and him eat pizza all night. He loves his friends of course. He likes living on his own and the feeling of independence that is bring him. He likes Elmer and the way he always seems to understand him. Sometimes he even like his studies even though most of the time he prefers when the day is done. He likes to party with his friends and see them laughing for nothing after having one beer too many. He also likes the quiet evenings with Race, when they’re just the two of them, talking quietly or laughing at terrible movies. He likes to be surrounded by so many people when he was convinced in the past that it was not for him. He also loves his family and how he's closer to them now that he’s further away. Mostly he likes Race. 

 

Race who is currently watching him waiting for his response. For one second Albert wants to answer “Race”. Because it’s the true, he still likes, no, he still loves Race. Instead he shrugs uncomfortably. Feeling that he’s uneasy Race puts his arm over his shoulder before laughing and changing the subject.  

* * *

_ It was supposed to be a sleepover. They had eaten too many pizza, watched bad movies that they both adore before collapsing on Race’s bed. _

 

_ Albert's never been someone prone to become easily friends with others. Race was the exception, he was bold and funny and he made Albert want to follow him forever. He wanted to know everything about Race. He wanted to know how if he was ticklish and if he puts his milk before or after cereals. He wanted to know his opinion about Star Wars and if his curls were as soft as they seem. He wanted to know the sensation of his skin against him and what it was like to be loved by him. _

 

_ Maybe it was hopeless but Race doesn’t seem to mind that Albert’s eyes never seems to quit looking at him. When he surprise his gaze on him he simply smile or wink at him while blush spreading on his cheek. Sometimes it’s Albert who surprised his gaze on him and in those moments he couldn't help but hope.  _

 

_ They were facing each other, too afraid to move but too excited to sleep. Albert didn’t know what to do or say. He wants to ask  “Did you feel it too?” “Do you like me?” but was the risk worth it though. Race could rejected him then say to everyone that Albert was in love with him and they will all laugh at him or worse. So he didn’t move while regretting his lack of courage.  _

 

_ Then he felt something touching his hand. It was Race’s fingers awkwardly pressed against the back of his hand. His heart was beating so fast. He slowly raised his head and saw Race who was watching him eyes wide open. For the first time since he had know him he looks vulnerable and worried. Albert understood that he was waiting for him to move, to do anything. Feeling guilty for letting him take the risk by doing the first step he carefully intertwined their fingers together.  _

 

_ “It is okay?” asked Race in a whisper _

_ “Yes” he reply smiling.   _

* * *

 

Albert’s senior high school year had been lonely. He and Race barely talked to each other and when they did, it was always in a too kind tone that didn’t fit with either of them. He talked to some people in his class and succeed to have some conversations but he no longer had any close friends with whom to laugh or just do nothing in silence enjoying the presence of the other. Not since Race. He has to stop thinking about Race, he repeats himself. He had to stop thinking about forgetting him and actually forget him. 

 

He had thought that by the end of high school he would not see him anymore and that he would succeed in forgetting him, but the universe had apparently other plans since it was with surprise that he learned that him and Race were going to the same college, of course. 

Well he was going to see him more than expected, but the university was big, he would just have to greet him awkwardly when they saw each other and he would be able to move on. It would have been a great plan if only they weren't in the corridor, and their roommates weren't best friends. 

 

In order to move on he had tried on the beginning of the first year to date in a conventional way but the first and last essay was a disaster. The guy was nice but he wasn’t really Albert’s type. He always prefers loud people.The boy in front of him seemed oblivious of the silence that had grow between the two of them. Albert hated silence but he didn’t know what to say to his date. He decided to read the menu and took the opportunity to observe him. He was cute with pretty eyes but again he was too hesitant, he never looked at Albert directly and he lets him lead the conversation. 

When they finally finished to eat, Albert escorted him to his house and quickly said goodbye without letting the other time to asked him if they will see each other again. 

 

He then decided to try going to parties instead. As a result he spent half his time in random parties watching those who sing loudly and dance in the middle of the room so people will notice them. Sometimes he was brave enough to approach them and talk, occasionally he succeed to kiss them. 

That’s how he met Elmer. Elmer was one year younger, excited by everything and everyone. It was him who made the first step. Albert was talking to someone when he came, a glass of vodka on his hand. He asked Albert too many questions and offer him to drink some of his glass. Then he suddenly took his hand to pull him towards the people dancing. Maybe it was the vodka but he followed him. 

After the party ended they came to Albert’s room and barely take off their jeans before falling asleep. 

The next morning they ate breakfast in bed laughing and talking about their life. At some point they kissed, they still don’t know who initiated it. They spent the whole day together listening musics, talking, eating breakfast food, making out from time to time.This night they slept together. It was their first time for both of them, it was awkward but fun and Albert always remember it with fondness.

 

The morning after, Elmer left to go to his classes his number save in Albert’s phone. They felt into an easy routine after that, they will talk and laugh a lot, they will go out with each other friends. They went to party together before finishing the night making out in an empty bedroom. Sometimes Elmer will take him “to discover the city” as if they will found something unexpected between a starbuck and a burger king but Albert will always follow him. As a result after two months they know the best place to study or to have a fun evening. 

Elmer and his friends were the kind of people who will first go to dance or use the karaoke. He never pressed Albert to follow him knowing he would be uncomfortable but Albert always finished by going along. They kiss a lot too, even when they were outside Elmer will sometimes asks permission to kiss him or take his hand. The first time Albert was a little awkward and scared but he accepted and it felt good so when Elmer asked again he say yes. Soon Albert is the one asking and now it became a habit to hold hand in the street. 

 

He liked to thinks that he was more courageous now. “You made me braver” he had said to him one day where he was too tired to think before speaking with too much honesty.

Elmer had take his hand before answering “It’s all thanks to you babe,” he used to call him that ironically but now he really liked using it. “You always have been brave. You just started to realize.” Albert wasn’t fully convinced, he hadn’t been brave with Race he wanted to say, but he stayed quiet. He was tired of rehashing what he could have done otherwise. Instead he decided to living the moment. 

He realized that it was a long time since he had thought about him, and that it hurts less. 

 

They stayed like that the rest of the school year until summer when Elmer went home which was at the other end of the country preventing them to see each other. Of course they still talked a lot over the summer but in september when they saw each other again they quickly realized that things have changed and even if they still have a lot of affection for each other they were more friends than a couple. So they broke up.

 

* * *

 

_ Albert was bored. He was waiting for Race to finish his soccer’s training but his boyfriend, he still doesn’t get used to calling it that, was currently laughing and doing a stupid game with his teammates. He hates soccer, he don’t like sports in general but he really hates soccer. He just can’t understand the rules and it stops him to enjoy any match where Race had bring him. But because he has nothing better to do he just sit and lets his mind derived and as always he ends up thinking about Race.  _

 

_ Race always has been a friendly guy and it was easy to him to fit in a group of people so it don’t surprise Albert that after only two weeks in the team his boyfriend can already have fun and talk with his teammates like with ease.  _

_ He likes that about Race, that he’s sociable and  easy to get along with. Whereas it’s hard for Albert to do the first step and talk to someone Race can have a talk with anyone and everyone seems to like him. And while Albert always feels he's in the way and tries to go unnoticed Race only feels good when he is the center of attention.  _

 

_ It’s what he likes the most about Race, his confidence that he belongs everywhere and that he didn’t need to apologize for what he wants, what he does or what he is. Albert wishes he could also be brave and walks in the field to Race, introduces himself and laughs with them. Instead he keeps waiting.  _

 

_ Albert loves Race. He knows it’s too early to tell it to someone he began dating three weeks ago so he remains silent, waiting for Race to say it first.  _


	2. Chapter 2

It’s been two months since him and Elmer separated but they still saw each other a lot especially since they both were in the same groups of friends who met partly because of them. 

 

First they both met Mush and Blink at a party where they all had too much to drink and wake up the next morning in the same bed with some missing clothes. They potentially had made a foursome. But they don’t talk about that.

 

A week later Mush invited them to go out with him and Blink and he offers them to bring some friends. Because Elmer was naturally someone social he had quickly made a friend out of his roomate Specs and soon after of Spec’s friend Romeo and he asked them to go and because Albert don’t want people to think he don’t have friends he ask his roomate David so they could get to know each other. David accepted but bring his friend Jack who arrived late with Race. Albert had almost forget the two were roommates and friends, “I can do it.” he encouraged himself before going to greet them. 

 

They had a great time together and get used to call their first outing “The Meeting” (with capital letters) and soon it became an habit to see each other to go out or just to hang around together. It was enjoyable to have a group of friends Albert find out, he always have someone when he wanted to go to the library or just take a coffee. 

 

One night while they were all together to see a movie he and Race found themselves alone in the kitchen. Even if the awkwardness of their last high school year have gone and they were friends again they rarely spend time with each other alone. Albert missed being friend with Race. He no longer felt the guilt or heartbreak like he used to and it seem a little ridiculous to feel uneasy everytime they’re alone. So before the silence was too long Albert asked hurriedly “Do you want to eat at mine tuesday?”. Race was taken by surprise but he was smiling when he reply “Sure I will bring pizza”. 

 

The following monday Race kept his word and they were now both in front of a movie eating pizza . The atmosphere was a little strange at first. They have a lot of history together and they didn’t know if they should talk about it or on the contrary never talk about it and act like nothing happen. Talking about it will be hard but not as hard as it could have been one or two years ago. But what if Race was still mad at him? Before he could make his mind Race was breaking the silence “Do you remember the day we get together?”

Of course he remembers. He remembers being nervous waiting for Race to do something because he was too afraid to do anything. 

“It was one of the best moment in my life,” he replied honestly before taking a deep breath and added “I still wonder if you’re mad at me for what happened during the time we were together.” 

Race seemed taken aback by his question. He took one minute who seemed like one hour for Albert who was wondering if he has ruined everything again before responding.

“Of course not. We were young and you didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t meant to be, that’s all.” For one moment he looked like he was ready to say something else but he just pressed himself against Albert. 

Albert wanted to say more, ask Race if he knows how much he meant to him and how much he has hated himself for the way he has acted but it wasn’t the right time. Instead he stayed quiet. 

 

Race had changed noticed Albert, he was more focus now probably because unlike in high school he likes what he’s doing nowadays. He also stop being obsessed by youtubers and he admitted that his piercings were fake. Albert was shocked and a little heartbroken for his young teenage self who used to think it gave Race a rebellious air and he did loved that air on him. He’s more understanding too he thinks or at least he seems to pay more attention to others. 

 

However he was still as affectionate as he was before. He still likes to be the center of attention and he kept the habit to crack jokes when the situation become too serious to him or if he wants to distract people. As before he loves too many things and he has fun all the time but if at the time it reminded Albert of his own inability to appreciate things and relax, now he found this entertaining and cute to see him trying new things and enjoying himself. 

 

Two months after their first tuesday he realised the inevitable. He was watching Race talking and eating at the same time when he thinks “I want to be that pizza.” Albert was instantly ashamed of himself for thinking that, first because It made no sense. Second because it was Race and Albert really shouldn’t think of him other then platonically. Maybe it was just lust he thought after he caught himself staring at his lips too long. Yeah it’s probably that. After all it’s been a while since he have done anything. 

 

It wasn’t just lust, he has to admitted to himself one month later after he felt butterfly in his stomach everytime Race was too close. Albert likes this Race. This Race would sometimes rambled about things he has learned in one of his classes and Albert couldn’t help but smile by seeing him so passionate. He would also text him some encouragements everytime he was stressed by one of his test. 

He has loved Race, partly because he has admired him but now was different he still admired him but he knew that he isn’t perfect. He see his flaws like the way he always speak with his mouth full or how he can sometimes be so focused on something he will forget others and promises he made.

  
  


Alcohol used to be a way for Albert to be more comfortable and friendly with people he didn’t know. He needed it because without it he couldn’t find the courage to go talk to unknown people or to have a good time without feeling ridiculous. From the moment he met Elmer first then Mush and Blink and finally the rest of their friends things changed. He no longer needs alcohol to socialize, he has friends to go at party and to talk if he didn’t want to be alone or have a conversation with strangers. Now he drinks mostly for fun and since he hates having an hungover he always stays reasonable. 

 

But this night was different to the other times. He had a horrible day and he just wants to think of something else by spending a quiet evening with his friends. But Race had to ruin his project by inviting some people he met in classes or in a starbuck or in an animalery, Albert hadn't listened and frankly doesn't care. He doesn’t want to socialize and he doesn’t want to see Race flirt with some muscular guy. And maybe it’s because he has drink more than ordinary or because he’s really an asshole but he’s odious all evening. Especially towards Race. He has reply to everything he says with sarcastic remarks and dirty looks while  feeling a little more guilty every time. It didn't prevent him from continuing.

 

Taking advantage of the noise of discussions around the table, Mush finally asks him if he’s alright by whispering. Albert wants to tell him that it’s just who he really is and that he has been lying to them from the beginning. Instead he shrugs, says he had a hard day and exits the bar. 

 

Race, of course followed him. He tries to pretend he didn’t see him. He’s not really proud of his behavior and prefers not to confront Race now. He will call him tomorrow to apologize. If he can. 

 

But Race has other plan. He stands in front of Albert who lowers his head and tells him half serious, half laughing “Do you hate me or something ?” 

  
  


_ “Do you want to go to prom with me ?” Race asked him one day.  _

 

_ Of course he wants to go with him. He wants to dress with a rented second hand tuxedo or with one of his father’s costume because he don't have enough money and rent a limousine with a group of friends. He wants to  find out how to choose a corsage and spend hours in a flower shop searching the one who will go with Race’s eyes. He wants to go to Race's house and let’s his mom take pictures of them together. He wants to slow dance with him and kiss him under the cheap fairy lights of the gymnase. _

 

_ But they can’t, they won’t be safe. Everyone will know about them and they still have one year in this school. Albert’s parents will know too and he’s not ready. He didn’t know if Race will understand, he would be so disappointed in Albert. He will finally see that unlike him Albert was a coward unable to affront other’s judgements. “He will despise me.” he thinks. So instead he simply say that he hates prom, that it’s uncool and he doesn't even have money. Race looks sad but he doesn't insist. The next weeks Albert try to ignore the miserable face Race has when someone mentions prom or ask him about his plan but his heart tightens everytime.  _

  
  


“I never hated you.” Albert answers in a confused voice. He didn’t understand why he asks that and he didn’t know what to do.

Honestly he just wanted to hide under his duvet and maybe cry a little bit. He’s drunk and he didn’t know if he’s more angry or more ashamed. Angry about Race for misunderstanding him, why can’t he just understand what Albert wants. And he’s ashamed because it's as if nothing have changed, his actions still makeRace miserable. He don’t understand why it’s always so difficult with them.

 

“I..,” Race started saying before closing his mouth.

 

“What? Do you think I’m a robot with a cold heart! Or do you just can’t realize that I’m not the same person that you knew in high school!” Albert was starting to be really upset now. He wanted to leave and never have to confront Race again but he knows that by doing that he will live with regrets and guilt for a long time and he was tired of feeling like this. 

 

“No..of course..I’m sorry Al...” Race tried to explain. He seemed guilty and uncomfortable. 

 

“Good, it’s his turn” thinks an ugly, small part of Albert but mostly he feel oddly relieved to have finally been able to say it. He always has keep these thoughts for him, does people really thinks he doesn’t have feelings? Did he react the right way when Elmer and him break up or did Elmer thinks he didn’t care? Did Race thinks he never liked him and he was just a way to explore his sexuality and he felt nothing when they broke up? 

He never has have the strength to ask these questions to anyone because he didn’t want to hear the answer. But he has friends, right? If they thought this they would have told him. Except if they’re too nice to say anything and they just let him tag along he answers to himself. 

 

Race breaked the silence “Al,..let me explain...please, I didn’t want to hurt you,...”

 

Albert didn't want to hear excuses. Not when he’s the one who have acted like a jerk. He’s so damn tired. He just wants to sleep. And maybe change country. “We will talk tomorrow” He left before Race could respond 

_ _


	3. Chapter 3

_ “We can’t do that anymore Albert. You act like we’re only friends, I need more, you understand, right? I’m really sorry.” _

_ “It is because of the prom ?” It’s ridiculous to ask that when he perfectly knows the answer but he can’t help himself _

_ “No,” hesitates Race, he seems nervous “Well, a little but it’s more than that, you never want do things with me. Everytime I ask you on a date you says you don’t like the activities or the place or the people we will be with and we end up in my place or yours. Don’t you want spend time with me or something.” he finishes in a small voice looking at his shoes _

 

_ How could Race thinks he didn’t want to spend time with him, Race was brilliant, he was one of the only reason Albert wakes up in the morning. He didn’t even remember how was his life before him. He was so ashamed of himself for letting his cowardice ruin his relationship. He wish he could be open about who he is towards the rest of the world, he wish Race could be satisfied with what he could give him. _

_ For one moment Albert wants to explain everything and ask forgiveness so Race would want him back. Because he knows he won’t change anything and he will still be incapable of being what Race needs he don’t say anything. It would be unfair to retain him when Race could be with someone who really makes him happy.  _

_ So he nod before saying “I understand, I hope we can still be friends.” His voice cracks a little at the end and he knows that the second he’s alone he will start crying.  _

 

_ After a quick goodbye Race left. His eyes are red Albert can’t help but notice _

  
  


The next morning Race called. Three times. Albert didn’t respond. The fourth time Albert picked up his phone. 

“Hello?” 

Albert stayed silent.

“Albert? You’re here?”

“Yes” 

“Can I come over,” his first impulse was to decline but he knows that see Race and talk to him was the best thing to do “please” he heard Race’s said.  Hearing that was what he need to definitely agreed. He say a quick yes before hang up. 

Five minutes later him and Race were sitting in in his room in silence.

 

“I’m… ” started Race in the same time as Albert began to say “Sorry for..” They laughed awkwardly. “I’m sorry for what I said last night” finished first Race. “Sorry for how I behave. It wasn’t cool.” said Albert next. 

“No it wasn’t,” Race stated without resentment. “Why were you mad at me?” he asked calmly 

 

“I…,” Albert hesitated a few seconds “When you said that I hated you It was like everything I was afraid of was true. Like I always think that you or others people think that I hate them or that I don’t feel anything or stuff like that because I don't really know how to express my feelings,” he stopped a second to gauge Race’s reaction but he seemed understanding. “ But It’s not true ! For example I was so miserable after.. you know, and it was so hard to forget you and meet new people. By the way I’m sorry for the way I acted with you last night I was tired, drunk and a little jealous but it’s not an excuse.” He could feel his face becoming red and hear the way his voice was a little desperate by the end.

 

“I never thought that you were a robot or whatever, no one does,” Race reassured him making Albert smiles a little. “But I never realized that you felt that way after our break up. You didn’t even try to talk to me during senior year or after. I just thought you didn’t miss me or that I wasn’t that important to you.” 

 

“Never, I missed you everyday.” Maybe Race would find it strange or weird for him to say that now but he couldn’t lets him think It wasn’t the case.

 

“Yet you never told me that you loved me,” Race was avoiding his gaze nervously playing with his hair, “I was waiting for you to say it.” He felt stupid to finally say that years later. 

 

“I thought it was evident,” replied Albert with honesty although he was surprised by this confession and by how vulnerable Race looked now. It was at this moment that Albert realized that despite all this time spent watching, knowing and loving Race he had always failed to realize that he too had insecurities. “I think I never imagine you need it.”

Race wasn’t saying anything so Albert continued “I wasn’t ready to come out,” he needed to tell Race everything so he could understand why he never said these three words to him or why he had refused to go to prom with him and so may things even though he was so in love. “ I just assume you wouldn’t understand because you were so honest and I was afraid you would start despise me or give me an ultimatum or something like that if I tell you that I wasn’t ready.” 

 

“It looks like you didn’t have an high opinion of me.” stated Race a little hurt 

 

“On the contrary, I thought you were the greatest,” he said with precipitation a little embarrassed by this fact. When Race started to crack a smile, he adds with a laugh “No really, I thought you were so cool with your piercings, your skate and you seemed so confident. You were what I always wanted to be. When you started talking to me I was so happy. Being friends with you means everything to me and when we started being more It was the best thing that have ever happen to me. It’s just that,...the whole time I thought I never deserved you.” 

 

“And you still feel that way?” asked Race now more sympathetic

 

“Not since I know these piercings were fake,” they both laughed “I still love you but now I understand that you’re not perfect or invulnerable.” Shit, shit, shit, shit ,shit he said it. What is he supposed to do now? He can’t take it back. He dare look at Race to see his reaction but his face was showing nothing to prove he even heard what Albert have said. He just looked pensive.  

 

One minute later and they were both still silence, deeped in thoughts, thinking about what they have learn. Race was the one who breaks the silence “Can I ask you something?” 

 

“Of course.” he agreed waiting nervously for his question 

 

“Do you want to go on a date with me one day?” he turned his face to Albert while smiling widely. He was answered with an enthusiasm “I would love too.” 

 


End file.
